a knee to the nose

I felt sad today or lonely or both.

We have amazing friends as a family!
We also have amazing friends with amazing pools!
These amazing friends with amazing pools invite my amazing poole's over to their amazing pools!

We were invited to go to a friends pool with the entire family.  First we went to the community pool with a fancy water slide and then we went to their home that has an eight foot waterfall that the kids love to jump off.  It's also salt water so its easy on the skin and eyes.  We all had so much fun.  Logan figured out how to jump off the waterfall into an inner tube.  He was so excited.  Ava just giggled her little heart away with one of her best friends.  Beckett is starting swim lessons this week so he was attached to my hip.  He kept jumping off the little waterfall, the side of the pool or anything else.  He then jumped at me knee first into my nose.  I couldn't talk. I was trying not to cry.  I was trying not to cry all day.

I watched them play and laugh and it made me sad.
I felt lonely that I didn't have someone to share it with.
It then made me sad because I realized that he wouldn't of been there before he left.

I have been lonely for a long time.

Puppies and Panic

We went puppy hugging today.

The Southeastern guide dog association invite the public to come and play with the puppies.  What a better way to bring joy back to the kids.  They all had so much fun.  Ava held every single puppy that came her way.  She was in heaven.  Beckett just kept squealing with joy. Logan was watching and playing.  he loved throwing them the toys and playing tug of war.  They were not crowded so we got lots of time to cuddle and play and hug the puppies. The great thing was that we were doing something good at the same time.  We were helping to socialize the puppies so that they can grow up and help people.  The kids were just amazed.  When we were done puppy hugging we went and let two of the older dogs walk us!  They were so strong. I can let the kids walk our dog Jolene but that was not possible with these dogs.  I kept hearing my shoulder pop. I was honestly worried that i would loose the dog. Of course as soon as we got back they calmed down and let the kids brush them. It just killed me that I was thinking about how much Eric would of loved this day.
Then it hit me...he wouldn't of made the time to do this with us before he left.
We were alone a lot.
I love my mom but I would of preferred that he was with us, not now, but then.

Panic started to set in.
My heart feels like it is on fire in chest.
My head is swimming with uncertainty.

My stomach is always in knots.  I just do not know what the future has to hold for us.  This is both scary and exciting.  I do not know where to start with any of this.  I feel almost frozen but I know I have to move forward. I know I have to just sit down and figure it all out. Its just all so scary.  There are the most important parts of my life at stake, Logan, Ava and Beckett.

These beautiful children that like me did not ask for any of this to happen, These children are why I will not allow anyone else to steal my joy.  I have to teach them that no matter what is going on in life we have to choose how we allow the to affect us.  I might feel gross and ugly right now but I will still move forward and find the joy everyday.
Life is full of puppy hugging and panic, all living together.

forgiveness...

(used with permission from a friend on instagram)

Yesterday I wrote about how surprised I was that people cared about me.

Admitting that feeling triggered a change in me.  I truly woke up and saw.  I saw everything for what it is. I saw every lie I was living with in.  I always told myself it was worth it.  Keeping the family together. Protecting my family. Giving my kids a whole family was worth everything I gave up.

The WE was always more important that me...

I gave so much of my value to someone else for so long I stopped seeing that I had any value.  I couldn't believe that people liked me.  I questioned the motives of anyone that wanted to be my friend.  I would just take whatever any one would give to me and hope that my care, my love could make up for what they wouldn't give to me.

It took me writing that to see that.
 It awoke me to what I had sacrificed in valuing someone else more than my self.

This morning I woke up and decided to take back my joy to embrace this new life.

It is my job to not just show my kids ok, but show them good.

We still need to car dance. We still need to giggle. We still need to smile.
I gave away my joy my passion for life for too long.
We have to choose to live.

It still hurts.  I still cried today.  I still felt like my world was spiraling out of control but I also felt real today, I felt awake today.

I am not ready to forgive.
I do not know where the next year will take us.

I am not worried about forgiving him right now.

 I am working on forgiving myself.

On a field trip with Ava today. 

It might be hard but i get the joy too!

change...

It rained all day.

I felt a change with in my self today.
 I cried a lot this morning.  I have just felt so lonely these past few days.  I don't have someone to talk to on my drives home. I no longer have that person to dissect my day with.  I do not have someone to end my day with. I am just alone.  The difference today is that I accepted that I have been lonely for a long time.  I just had someone but not someone that was connecting with me.
He left me a long time ago.
I have just been fighting for the potential that I saw in us.  I have been fighting to hold onto the dreams that i had for my family, for my kids, for me.  I let those go today. I decided to stop thinking about what we no longer have. I am still sad.  I am still heart broken but I am truly looking forward.

I know this is not going to make it all better.
I know that we will have hard times.
I know that the actual divorce process is going to be horrible.

Maybe it is all the love and support.
I have been so shocked by how much people want to care for us, for me.  I truly have the most amazing people in my life.  I never expected this.  I thought people would be shocked.  The amount of genuine care has just moved me to tears on many occasions.
People actually care about me.

I do have value. I have value as me, for who I am. It is not about me as a mother or teacher but just because people care about me.

We are going to be ok.
I am going to be ok.

I will forgive. We will forgive. We will all move forward.

Ava Davo Doo age 6

"My family, we all have love. Look see the hearts"

Ava's art

Ava slipped this in my pocket today.

This is real...

It is real.

He left and will not be back. 

Ava was sad all day. She just woke up sad. 

So did I.

It really hitting me that the life I had wanted, the life that I imagined as imperfect as it was, is over. I want to focus on the new beginnings.  I put on the fake smile and trudge forward.  I wish I had more answers.  I wish I knew what went so wrong so quickly.  I wish I had answers for my kids, for myself.  

I hate that I miss him.  I don't know if its that I miss him or having a partner.  I just always thought that this would pass.  I always thought that at the core of everything was a deep care and love that we had for each other.  Love is not easy or perfect sometimes it is not what we need or want but we know its still there.  

I just always thought we would end up looking back at these times knowing that they made us stronger,

that they made us better.

He left.

birthday/mothers day...

 Its mothers day. Yesterday was my 31st birthday.

So many people are doing everything that they can to make me feel better, make me feel special.
I am so grateful for everyone.  I just feel like I am disappointing them.  For how much everyone is giving to me all I can feel is the that glaring absence. The lack of touch my body is so accustomed to. The words, the close breath, the feeling of love.  It all feels like a lie now, but I still miss him.

I still miss the life that I thought I had.

I am so proud of my Logan. 

He is so strong and understanding.  I can not believe how grown up he has become.  I wish he didn't have to be so grown up.  he is so caring and insightful.  He sees the world in such a beautiful way.  He is so angry.  He is trying so hard not to be but he has become surly and curt.  He takes it out on my mom and I.  He is so loving and caring.  I am just so beyond proud of who he is turning out to be.  

He keeps saying its going to be ok.

I think he is saying it to make it real for himself and me.

when you feel real shitty, you better look real pretty

I am trying so hard to be the person I want to be.

Its so hard to be that person when your world is falling in on you.  Everyone around me has their own ideas, advice, concerns and hurt.  I feel so overwhelmed with everyone else's emotions.

I wake up.

I move forward.

I take a deep breath and move forward. 

I put my makeup on.

I make myself feel as pretty as I can and hope that I feel better.

I dance in the car and belly laugh with my friends. 

I wrap the scarf Ava made me for mothers day around my hair.

I smile...

"he used to be king, but now i don't know who he is."

Day 3
This has been the hardest day so far.
Reality has hit...hit us all.
I am fried.

Beckett has been in tears all day.  He is crying over everything that doesn't go his way. He has always been my ball of sunshine.  I conceived him after so much loss.  I always said, "out of so much darkness only light can come." He was born with bright eyes and a full head of blonde hair.  While driving home he says to me, "Mommy, I am sad." I ask why and he says, "I just am." He cried. He cried out for me.

Ava is angry and sad.  She knows it and she knows why.  She is full of questions.  She just wants to know why daddy broke up with mommy.  She wants to know if I will ever get married again.  She wants to know if she will ever have two moms. She wants to know if I can make daddy come home. She wants to know why I let him break up with me. She asked daddy. He wouldn't answer her.  She keeps yelling. She tells everyone how mad and sad and angry she is.  She told me, "Daddy, he used to be king of Ava land but now he's not. He used to be king, but I don't know who he is anymore."

"I don't know either", I wanted to say... but didn't.

Logan has decided to grow up.  He is quiet and calm. He is sad. He talks but not much. He talks to his friends, his teachers. He was excited to find out his skateboarding teacher's parents were divorced when he was eight too.  He is reaching out an connecting.  He has changed, he wants to protect us all. He is trying so hard to be brave. It makes my heart ache.

I feel like the wind is knocked out of me and I am trapped inside a panic attack.  I have to start figuring out all the scary logistics of all of this.  I don't know where to begin.  I need to eat but I can't.  I want to, I am hungry at times but every bite i take makes me sick.  I can't stomach anything especially what is happening to my family. It is getting harder to not be angry. I keep just telling the kids that daddy loves them, even when its hard to believe.

Ava lost her first tooth today. The joy still breaks through. Now I need to be the tooth fairy.

ok...

My body feels like I was kicked in the gut.

Everything just feels tight.  My heart is racing.  My knees are weak.
My legs feel like they are trudging through water.  Everything is in slow motion.

I am working so hard to move forward in the positive, to show my kids that we are ok.  I just fall apart when no one is watching.

He broke my heart.
He broke Logan's heart.
He broke Ava's heart.
He broke Beckett's heart.

I want to scream and yell and crawl into a hole.
I dont have the time to give into it.
I keep going.  I keep moving forward.  I keep making it ok.  I keep holding my children tight.  I keep breathing.  I keep knowing that this will get harder before it gets better. Nothing will ever be the same.

I just have to keep showing them that we are ok...

circling the wagons

We all woke up in the reality of our new family.  I am determined to hold onto the joy of our life even in this raw, broken state.

We car dance! Yes we act like fools and dance and sing and laugh and embrace the moment.  We remember to have a good time.  We were dancing to the black keys and I was not paying attentions to lyrics when I hear Ava from the back, "Mommy! They said that their daddy left them! Thats just like us."

We arrived at the school...it's a short ride.

The kids walk into school and Logan wants us to walk him back to his class, till he sees his friends.  I watched him walk way praying that he would be ok.  Ava needed to be walked in, needed someone to do work with her.  I gave her my "I love you! I love you more!" necklace.

I had called their teachers. I had called my close friends. I had called supportive family. I circled the wagons tightly around them.  I did everything I could to make it as safe for them.  I am worried. I want to protect them.  I wish I could of protected them from this ever happening.  I just have to show them now that we are going to be ok.

We all announced today.  We all told what we needed. Ava whispered it in Emma's little ear.  Logan shared at morning circle. He stated it as if he was telling his class he saw a movie.  He announced his plans for how it will be ok.  I posted my blog to my community. We all took our first big step forward.

I am pragmatic. I solve problems. I move forward. I do not accept support easily.

I was not prepared to have the wagons circled by me.  I am shocked by the love and support everyone has showered on me.  It has made the emptiness so full.

Thank you.

Shock

This is what beginnings look like....

bad husbands at 30

I stood at the end of my bed wanting to crawl in, it was not my bed. It is my new bed. This morning I watched my husband pack away his life and his stuff. He got the bed, I got the family.

We told our children tonight. He owned that he was the one wanting this. My 6 year old daughter screamed out the most heart wrenching scream and sobbed, just sobbed. My 8 year old son reached down and held my hand tight and then tighter. My 3 year old baby boy kicked his daddy and said that, "bad daddy", then he laughed and said "I know daddy your joking." He was not. I told them that we both loved them and that daddy was not leaving them...just me.

I now lie in my new bed after loving them till they fell a sleep. It was a devastating day. No words seem able to truly describe the shock we are in. It is as if I am watching a movie in slow motion and I know no one will be the same after these moments pass. I will go to sleep now watching the tan line on my ring finger tap across the keys.