It seems like so much time and so little time all wrapped up together.
The fourth of July just passed and we had a brilliant time at the spa.
We started this last year with good friends. They have moved now.
We felt their absence more than his.
More than anything we just laughed a lot!
We were surrounded by some of our favorite people. It was beautiful to watch the older kids wonder around the pool and watch out and include the younger kids. I watched this gorgeous mass of children work together and move as one and just looked on in awe. We have such an amazing community.
We watched fireworks from the pool and the pool side.
We said "wow!" a lot!!
We have such an amazing family.
I get scared some nights. I sit in my room alone. This is when all the dirty, ugly, angry, hurtful, sad thoughts dance through my brain. It is an ugly dance of all my fears. It's the never ending loneliness. That fear that I am so wrong that no one will ever really love me. It's the constant questioning of everything I must of done wrong, all the ways I failed. I tried so hard. I tried so hard to build him up, to love him even when it was hard. To love him enough for both of us. I wonder what I have done to deserve everything that has happened. These are my hard thoughts.
I am now a thirty-one year old almost divorcee with three young kids that lives with her parents!
These hard nights always wake up to my Beckett, Ava and Logan and I am covered in my blessings. I see the gifts of our life. I have the three most beautiful beings I have encountered surrounding me in their light every day.
It is not about what I have done wrong its about everything I have done right!
This who we are now.
We are smiling.
We are laughing.
We are sad.
We are hurt.
We are loving.
We are angry.
We are caring.
We are forgiving.
We are our family.
