Three
years ago my world shifted. It was over and I was free. This was petrifying. I
had a plan, I knew what to expect and well now everything was exposed. This new
fear of the unknown was shocking. I had only a part time job that was over for
the summer in a couple weeks. I did not know what custody would look like or
how I would protect my kids. I knew that this fear had options. The options were
all scary. I knew though that this fear was better than the fear I lived with
everyday for the nearly decade before. I was about to be 31. I was too old to
just start over. No one else knew my plan or why I had to have such a plan. I
was planning to come up for air in my late forties when the kids were safe.
That was my option, the only option I could see. I went to sleep numb. Fear,
possibility, and sadness sunk my weary body into his bed for the last night.
The
next day everything was gone. He took it all and I wanted him to. Leaning
against a naked wall I sobbed letting go of the grief I had held in for years.
These waves came for days and sometimes still do. I grieve for the girl who
sold herself for so little to a man who promised so much yet delivered only
pain.
That night my new bed swallowed me up. I had decisions to
make. I was scared, but I was handed a gift. I got to decide who I wanted to
be. This was freedom. This was independence. My energy no longer had to be
spent pretending to be happy, I could actually be happy. I laid up that night
and let go of my worry about what divorce had to bring in every other way. My
head and heart soon filled with the person I had been hiding away. I had to
lock her far away or she would be too hurt. She was not proud of who I had to
become, but was proud of how I had stayed alive. She was most proud of how I
had kept my children full of joy. I am still most proud of my ability to keep
my children feeling secure and filled with the natural wonderment of childhood
through out it all.
Letting your self be open after so many years of being
locked away interjects its own set of fears. I decided that night to let go of
what I lost, focusing instead on who I was finally free to be.
My list:
- · Give into my quirks. Stop hiding the parts of me I am scared of.
- · Be kind. No matter what, always give sugar.
- · Give into my optimism. It may feel cheesy some days but that’s ok.
- · Be proud of who I am.
- · Stop apologizing for who I am.
- · Learn how to take compliments.
- · Find my worth.
- · Show people their worth.
- · Be someone that affirms others.
- · Do my best to give the best parts of myself.
- · Forgive myself.
- · Keep forgiving myself.
- · Take inventory of my days. Make notes.
- · Write letters. Real letters.
- · Discover nature.
- · Wander and wonder.
- · Find the adventures in life.
- · Stop feeding the negative.
- · Allow myself to feel.
- · Read a lot.
- · Create often.
- · Make my children proud of who I am, by being authentically who I am.
- · Give love.
- · Be patient with myself.
- · Be patient with others.
- · Show love and care to others.
- · Never quiet my inner voice again.
- · Give of myself in service.
- · Stay intrinsicly motivated.
- · Believe that I can.
I
am sure that I will be continuously adding to this list. I have my days that
are hard, but I am working every day to move towards the person I was becoming
before I had to shelter her from the storm.
I
am awake now.
That
time often feels like a dream, a nightmare, and like all bad nights of dreaming,
they end.
I
am awake now.
