forgiveness...

(used with permission from a friend on instagram)

Yesterday I wrote about how surprised I was that people cared about me.

Admitting that feeling triggered a change in me.  I truly woke up and saw.  I saw everything for what it is. I saw every lie I was living with in.  I always told myself it was worth it.  Keeping the family together. Protecting my family. Giving my kids a whole family was worth everything I gave up.

The WE was always more important that me...

I gave so much of my value to someone else for so long I stopped seeing that I had any value.  I couldn't believe that people liked me.  I questioned the motives of anyone that wanted to be my friend.  I would just take whatever any one would give to me and hope that my care, my love could make up for what they wouldn't give to me.

It took me writing that to see that.
 It awoke me to what I had sacrificed in valuing someone else more than my self.

This morning I woke up and decided to take back my joy to embrace this new life.

It is my job to not just show my kids ok, but show them good.

We still need to car dance. We still need to giggle. We still need to smile.
I gave away my joy my passion for life for too long.
We have to choose to live.

It still hurts.  I still cried today.  I still felt like my world was spiraling out of control but I also felt real today, I felt awake today.

I am not ready to forgive.
I do not know where the next year will take us.

I am not worried about forgiving him right now.

 I am working on forgiving myself.

On a field trip with Ava today. 

It might be hard but i get the joy too!