"he used to be king, but now i don't know who he is."

Day 3
This has been the hardest day so far.
Reality has hit...hit us all.
I am fried.

Beckett has been in tears all day.  He is crying over everything that doesn't go his way. He has always been my ball of sunshine.  I conceived him after so much loss.  I always said, "out of so much darkness only light can come." He was born with bright eyes and a full head of blonde hair.  While driving home he says to me, "Mommy, I am sad." I ask why and he says, "I just am." He cried. He cried out for me.

Ava is angry and sad.  She knows it and she knows why.  She is full of questions.  She just wants to know why daddy broke up with mommy.  She wants to know if I will ever get married again.  She wants to know if she will ever have two moms. She wants to know if I can make daddy come home. She wants to know why I let him break up with me. She asked daddy. He wouldn't answer her.  She keeps yelling. She tells everyone how mad and sad and angry she is.  She told me, "Daddy, he used to be king of Ava land but now he's not. He used to be king, but I don't know who he is anymore."

"I don't know either", I wanted to say... but didn't.

Logan has decided to grow up.  He is quiet and calm. He is sad. He talks but not much. He talks to his friends, his teachers. He was excited to find out his skateboarding teacher's parents were divorced when he was eight too.  He is reaching out an connecting.  He has changed, he wants to protect us all. He is trying so hard to be brave. It makes my heart ache.

I feel like the wind is knocked out of me and I am trapped inside a panic attack.  I have to start figuring out all the scary logistics of all of this.  I don't know where to begin.  I need to eat but I can't.  I want to, I am hungry at times but every bite i take makes me sick.  I can't stomach anything especially what is happening to my family. It is getting harder to not be angry. I keep just telling the kids that daddy loves them, even when its hard to believe.

Ava lost her first tooth today. The joy still breaks through. Now I need to be the tooth fairy.