It seems like so much time and so little time all wrapped up together.
The fourth of July just passed and we had a brilliant time at the spa.
We started this last year with good friends. They have moved now.
We felt their absence more than his.
More than anything we just laughed a lot!
We were surrounded by some of our favorite people. It was beautiful to watch the older kids wonder around the pool and watch out and include the younger kids. I watched this gorgeous mass of children work together and move as one and just looked on in awe. We have such an amazing community.
We watched fireworks from the pool and the pool side.
We said "wow!" a lot!!
We have such an amazing family.
I get scared some nights. I sit in my room alone. This is when all the dirty, ugly, angry, hurtful, sad thoughts dance through my brain. It is an ugly dance of all my fears. It's the never ending loneliness. That fear that I am so wrong that no one will ever really love me. It's the constant questioning of everything I must of done wrong, all the ways I failed. I tried so hard. I tried so hard to build him up, to love him even when it was hard. To love him enough for both of us. I wonder what I have done to deserve everything that has happened. These are my hard thoughts.
I am now a thirty-one year old almost divorcee with three young kids that lives with her parents!
These hard nights always wake up to my Beckett, Ava and Logan and I am covered in my blessings. I see the gifts of our life. I have the three most beautiful beings I have encountered surrounding me in their light every day.
It is not about what I have done wrong its about everything I have done right!
This who we are now.
We are smiling.
We are laughing.
We are sad.
We are hurt.
We are loving.
We are angry.
We are caring.
We are forgiving.
We are our family.
I know exactly what you are going thru. Your post really hit home. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI haven’t posted before, although I’ve been reading. I knew a little about you before all this happened from your Mom. She and I went to USF together. She’s a sweetheart and I also know having met your Dad (briefly) that you have a very supportive, loving family. Being the eldest of divorced parents myself, I understand. I’m very opinionated – as your Mom will tell you (takes one to know one, right?) – but haven’t said anything. Now that the initial shock has worn off, I feel it is time to say one thing and one thing only.
ReplyDeleteProtect Logan. Protect Logan from himself.
No one – not you, not your other beautiful children, not your mom – will quite understand this. Perhaps only the oldest children of separated and divorced parents can.
Some of this has to do with our gender as males. Some of this has to do with being the first born. Combine those two and you have the “I’m now the man of the house” syndrome.
We become protectors. We become the sure-footed, take charge “No one is going to hurt my family again” chivalrous types. We become fixers. Any problem that arises, we want to fix it. We want to make sure that we have some sort of ‘say’ in what happens. We want to assure the happiness of the rest of the family. We overcompensate, and can’t understand why we cannot fix everything, why things don’t go according to our plan, why bad things still happen despite our effort.
Watch for that, because it is a trap. I know. I’ve been there.
I adore you from a distance. Your self-respect and your response to what has happened is a testimony not only to you, but to your parents. Perhaps we’ll meet one day. And if that happens, on that day I will give you and Logan, Ava, and Becket bear hugs. And Mary too, after we share a glass of scotch together ☺
I can relate to everything you said. My 4 kids and I (ages 7, 5, and 4 yr old twins) moved out almost a year ago and the divorce was final in May. I feel like I am in a fog. It has seemed to really hit me in the last few months, now that the hard work of the legal process is over. I want to find a new sense of normal but that doesn't seem to be happening. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDelete