Ulcers......

I want to trust people.
I want to see the good in people.

It is just so very hard right now.
I have given so much of myself to the wrong people. I have trusted who I am to the wrong people.

I want to tell everything.  I want to say the whole story, the whole truth, but I can't.
I just can't.

I know of certain events in my life that have changed me.  They have reached deep and altered my being.   These are events that change how you see the world.
This is one of those moments.

There are just so many years of memories that I can not escape. I want to believe so badly that their were some truths in the lies.  The lies are all I can see, all I can feel.  I hear something, I see a show and it triggers another memory and then I see the lie in it all.  I always see the lies.

I think I have an ulcer.

I know there had to be some truth, some love. I just cant find it right now.  In my head I can tell myself the truths.  I can tell myself that this was not about how I failed.  Logically I can see that this is not about me not being pretty enough, smart enough, loving enough, caring enough, or just plain good enough.
How do I get my brain to tell my heart?


I just gave all of myself and it wasn't good enough.  I wasn't good enough.

I know it will happen. I know that one day I will wake up and the world will not look so grey.  I know that one day I will not have this ache in my chest. I know that I will get back on top of this.

Each day I laugh more.  Each day I see more good.  I just question it all.  Its so much easier for me to feel betrayed.  So much easier to not believe.

I will be on top of this. 

It gets better.....