Cinco De Meghan

It’s been two years since I backed my van away tears pouring down my face.  He sat there in his car.  I watched him on the phone.  He looked back and smiled.  I looked away not wanting him to see my tears.  The tears flowing free that were locked behind my need to protect for so many years.  I cried because it was over, I cried because I was free but still so locked up.  We have these three children that have stolen my heart from their first moments.  I had to fight. I have to fight.  I have always fought for them. It is my job to protect them.

I am not the woman I was that day.  I am better now, but I am not better than.  It took strength to stay. I look back at myself now and wonder how I did it, how I stayed, how I hid it all so well. We were young and struggling, the hardworking couple doing whatever it took to take care of our family and love each other. I worked hard to paint that picture. The truth was too hard to let people see, too shameful. Some moments I am in shock and lost that this was my life, that I somehow thought so little of myself. I allowed someone else to control me, someone else to be cruel and hurtful.  I believed that this shell was who I was. I couldn’t look in the mirror because I could no longer see myself.

This is my independence day, the day I became me again.  Falling apart was never an option so I soldiered on.  I put one foot in front of the other moving forward. Digging deep within myself for the courage to pull my resources, to open up, to not disappear.   

Underneath this entire facade I unearthed myself again.  I found my laughter, I found my spirit. It was all just hiding under the service waiting for me to wake up.  None of this has been easy but it has brought my family to joy.  We are surrounded in laughter and love. The struggle is still going on, the court work is still battling, but none of that really matters.  My children are safe and happy, and so am I.

The rest of our culture is doing shots of Tequila and I am looking forward celebrating the day I got myself back.