Cinco de Meghan take 3

Three years ago my world shifted. It was over and I was free. This was petrifying. I had a plan, I knew what to expect and well now everything was exposed. This new fear of the unknown was shocking. I had only a part time job that was over for the summer in a couple weeks. I did not know what custody would look like or how I would protect my kids. I knew that this fear had options. The options were all scary. I knew though that this fear was better than the fear I lived with everyday for the nearly decade before. I was about to be 31. I was too old to just start over. No one else knew my plan or why I had to have such a plan. I was planning to come up for air in my late forties when the kids were safe. That was my option, the only option I could see. I went to sleep numb. Fear, possibility, and sadness sunk my weary body into his bed for the last night.

The next day everything was gone. He took it all and I wanted him to. Leaning against a naked wall I sobbed letting go of the grief I had held in for years. These waves came for days and sometimes still do. I grieve for the girl who sold herself for so little to a man who promised so much yet delivered only pain.

         That night my new bed swallowed me up. I had decisions to make. I was scared, but I was handed a gift. I got to decide who I wanted to be. This was freedom. This was independence. My energy no longer had to be spent pretending to be happy, I could actually be happy. I laid up that night and let go of my worry about what divorce had to bring in every other way. My head and heart soon filled with the person I had been hiding away. I had to lock her far away or she would be too hurt. She was not proud of who I had to become, but was proud of how I had stayed alive. She was most proud of how I had kept my children full of joy. I am still most proud of my ability to keep my children feeling secure and filled with the natural wonderment of childhood through out it all.

         Letting your self be open after so many years of being locked away interjects its own set of fears. I decided that night to let go of what I lost, focusing instead on who I was finally free to be.

My list:

• ·      Give into my quirks. Stop hiding the parts of me I am scared of.
• ·      Be kind. No matter what, always give sugar.
• ·      Give into my optimism. It may feel cheesy some days but that’s ok.
• ·      Be proud of who I am.
• ·      Stop apologizing for who I am.
• ·      Learn how to take compliments.
• ·      Find my worth.
• ·      Show people their worth.
• ·      Be someone that affirms others.
• ·      Do my best to give the best parts of myself.
• ·      Forgive myself.
• ·      Keep forgiving myself.
• ·      Take inventory of my days. Make notes.
• ·      Write letters. Real letters.
• ·      Discover nature.
• ·      Wander and wonder.
• ·      Find the adventures in life.
• ·      Stop feeding the negative.
• ·      Allow myself to feel.
• ·      Read a lot.
• ·      Create often.
• ·      Make my children proud of who I am, by being authentically who I am.
• ·      Give love.
• ·      Be patient with myself.
• ·      Be patient with others.
• ·      Show love and care to others.
• ·      Never quiet my inner voice again.
• ·      Give of myself in service.
• ·      Stay intrinsicly motivated.
• ·      Believe that I can.

I am sure that I will be continuously adding to this list. I have my days that are hard, but I am working every day to move towards the person I was becoming before I had to shelter her from the storm.

I am awake now.

That time often feels like a dream, a nightmare, and like all bad nights of dreaming, they end.

I am awake now.

Cinco De Meghan

It’s been two years since I backed my van away tears pouring down my face.  He sat there in his car.  I watched him on the phone.  He looked back and smiled.  I looked away not wanting him to see my tears.  The tears flowing free that were locked behind my need to protect for so many years.  I cried because it was over, I cried because I was free but still so locked up.  We have these three children that have stolen my heart from their first moments.  I had to fight. I have to fight.  I have always fought for them. It is my job to protect them.

I am not the woman I was that day.  I am better now, but I am not better than.  It took strength to stay. I look back at myself now and wonder how I did it, how I stayed, how I hid it all so well. We were young and struggling, the hardworking couple doing whatever it took to take care of our family and love each other. I worked hard to paint that picture. The truth was too hard to let people see, too shameful. Some moments I am in shock and lost that this was my life, that I somehow thought so little of myself. I allowed someone else to control me, someone else to be cruel and hurtful.  I believed that this shell was who I was. I couldn’t look in the mirror because I could no longer see myself.

This is my independence day, the day I became me again.  Falling apart was never an option so I soldiered on.  I put one foot in front of the other moving forward. Digging deep within myself for the courage to pull my resources, to open up, to not disappear.   

Underneath this entire facade I unearthed myself again.  I found my laughter, I found my spirit. It was all just hiding under the service waiting for me to wake up.  None of this has been easy but it has brought my family to joy.  We are surrounded in laughter and love. The struggle is still going on, the court work is still battling, but none of that really matters.  My children are safe and happy, and so am I.

The rest of our culture is doing shots of Tequila and I am looking forward celebrating the day I got myself back.

my kids...

The phrase my kids never hurt so much or brought so much pride.
I am alone in all of this except for my kids.
They are amazing people that I am proud to simply know.

When I was pregnant with my first born son I would sit around and think about what kind of mother I wanted to be. More importantly I would sit around and think about the core truths I wanted for my son. This was hard I toiled over what I wanted for them.  It all just felt so trite.

Of course I wanted them to be:
Happy, beautiful, brilliant, thrilling, loving, adventurous, caring, joyful, engaging, artistic, creative, alert, ambitious, amused, brave, calm, capable, charming, cheerful, comfortable,confident, courageous, credible, cultured, dashing, dazzling, decisive, delightful, determined, diligent, dynamic, eager, efficient, enchanting, encouraging, endurable, energetic, entertaining, enthusiastic, fabulous, fair, faithful, fearless, frank, friendly, funny, generous, gentle, good, harmonious, helpful, hilarious, honorable, instinctive, kind, knowledgeable, lively, lucky, nice, peaceful, pleasant, plucky, productive, protective, proud, quirky, receptive, reflective, resolute, responsible, romantic, righteous, selective, self assured, sensitive, silly, sincere, skillful, smiling, steadfast, talented, thoughtful, tough, trustworthy, unusual, upbeat, vivacious, warm, wise, witty, wonderful....

Then I realized all of this will be true if I have simply well not so simply,

Intrinsically motivated, ethical, resilient children.

This is all I can ask for with out putting my wants, needs, desires on them.  This is what I hope for. I want my kids to see what is right and bounce back from the wrongs.

This came with such clarity as the answer to what seemed like the hardest question I would ever ask of myself.  I ask myself daily if how I am handling any of life's situations big and small if I am giving my children the tools they need.  If I am doing it right always feeling like I am doing it wrong, until I see them and really see them. When I watch Beckett walk so proud as line leader to art, when Logan and Ava choose each other to work with but are so fiercely independent at the same time.

I am so blessed to be a witness to my children.

I am so proud of them, they are intrinsically motivated, ethical, and for sure resilient children.

Period...

Picking up my daughter at her friends house I looked at her friends big sister in surprise at how she transformed from kid to little woman over the summer. Her mother and I stood there looking at her astounded by her beauty. We chatted as she looked on patiently waiting for her mom. I pulled away staring at my little girl knowing that she gets older and more mature each moment. I get a text from the mom telling me her daughter was waiting to tell her she just started her first period.

Periods are alway the start and the end of something of everything.

Tomorrow I start the first day of my new full time job. The first time that' I am not a full time mom and a part time something else. I am now a full time mom and a full time teacher. I am excited and scared and thrilled and saddened. I will no longer be able to be class mom or at every field trip, but I will always be just down the hall! It's a give and take. I always wanted to teach and I am so grateful for this opportunity.

This is my new beginning. I need to take my lessons and use them to create the life I want for my kids and myself. This is my capital letter after that very harsh period. This is me stepping into my new life in my new career.

I will showy kids how to move forward. I will show them how to learn and grow.

This is going to be an amazing capital letter.

where we are now...

Its been two months now since we were.

It seems like so much time and so little time all wrapped up together.

The fourth of July just passed and we had a brilliant time at the spa.
 We started this last year with good friends.  They have moved now.

We felt their absence more than his.

More than anything we just laughed a lot!

We were surrounded by some of our favorite people.  It was beautiful to watch the older kids wonder around the pool and watch out and include the younger kids.  I watched this gorgeous mass of children work together and move as one and just looked on in awe. We have such an amazing community.
We watched fireworks from the pool and the pool side.
We said "wow!" a lot!!

 We have such an amazing family.

I get scared some nights. I sit in my room alone. This is when all the dirty, ugly, angry, hurtful, sad thoughts dance through my brain.  It is an ugly dance of all my fears.  It's the never ending loneliness. That fear that I am so wrong that no one will ever really love me. It's the constant questioning of everything I must of done wrong, all the ways I failed.  I tried so hard. I tried so hard to build him up, to love him even when it was hard.  To love him enough for both of us.  I wonder what I have done to deserve everything that has happened.  These are my hard thoughts.

I am now a thirty-one year old almost divorcee with three young kids that lives with her parents!

These hard nights always wake up to my Beckett, Ava and Logan and I am covered in my blessings.  I see the gifts of our life. I have the three most beautiful beings I have encountered surrounding me in their light every day.

It is not about what I have done wrong its about everything I have done right!

This who we are now.

We are smiling.

We are laughing.

We are sad.

We are hurt.

We are loving.

We are angry.

We are caring.

We are forgiving.

We are our family.

Ulcers......

I want to trust people.
I want to see the good in people.

It is just so very hard right now.
I have given so much of myself to the wrong people. I have trusted who I am to the wrong people.

I want to tell everything.  I want to say the whole story, the whole truth, but I can't.
I just can't.

I know of certain events in my life that have changed me.  They have reached deep and altered my being.   These are events that change how you see the world.
This is one of those moments.

There are just so many years of memories that I can not escape. I want to believe so badly that their were some truths in the lies.  The lies are all I can see, all I can feel.  I hear something, I see a show and it triggers another memory and then I see the lie in it all.  I always see the lies.

I think I have an ulcer.

I know there had to be some truth, some love. I just cant find it right now.  In my head I can tell myself the truths.  I can tell myself that this was not about how I failed.  Logically I can see that this is not about me not being pretty enough, smart enough, loving enough, caring enough, or just plain good enough.
How do I get my brain to tell my heart?


I just gave all of myself and it wasn't good enough.  I wasn't good enough.

I know it will happen. I know that one day I will wake up and the world will not look so grey.  I know that one day I will not have this ache in my chest. I know that I will get back on top of this.

Each day I laugh more.  Each day I see more good.  I just question it all.  Its so much easier for me to feel betrayed.  So much easier to not believe.

I will be on top of this. 

It gets better.....

Fail better

"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better."
Samuel Beckett

There are many moments as a mother that you know are so much deeper than they appear.

Logan has been skateboarding for over a year. He has never been the kid to just jump into something unless he is completely sure of himself. Sometimes he is never sure till he does it. That's the hard part.

Today I held my breath.

He said he was ready to drop in on the half pipe. He wanted me to be there. Wanted me sitting on the half pipe. He was not yet ready. He was so scared. He was so overwhelmed. He just started shaking. He didn't want any help. He wanted to accomplish this. He wanted to be brave.
His skate teacher and I sat and talked with him as he tried to go and stopped for over forty-five minutes. He kept saying that he was going to fail. In his mind he was going to die or break something. It was as if everything that was inside of him was flowing out of him in this moment.
We talked a lot.
We talked about what we are afraid of. We talked about everything we have been afraid of and then done. We talked about how a lot if things are new and scary right now. Aaron talked to him about all of the same. He kept talking about how he can't do it. He was too scared to even try. We talked about how you only fail if you never try.

They came to lock up the park. They waited and watched and then he finally took a deep breath and dropped in.

I cried.
I am proud.
He is so brave.

He is not brave for dropping in he is brave for how he lives each day. He is brave for trying again every time he falls. He is brave for putting himself out there over and over again.

We are brave.