Ulcers......

I want to trust people.
I want to see the good in people.

It is just so very hard right now.
I have given so much of myself to the wrong people. I have trusted who I am to the wrong people.

I want to tell everything.  I want to say the whole story, the whole truth, but I can't.
I just can't.

I know of certain events in my life that have changed me.  They have reached deep and altered my being.   These are events that change how you see the world.
This is one of those moments.

There are just so many years of memories that I can not escape. I want to believe so badly that their were some truths in the lies.  The lies are all I can see, all I can feel.  I hear something, I see a show and it triggers another memory and then I see the lie in it all.  I always see the lies.

I think I have an ulcer.

I know there had to be some truth, some love. I just cant find it right now.  In my head I can tell myself the truths.  I can tell myself that this was not about how I failed.  Logically I can see that this is not about me not being pretty enough, smart enough, loving enough, caring enough, or just plain good enough.
How do I get my brain to tell my heart?


I just gave all of myself and it wasn't good enough.  I wasn't good enough.

I know it will happen. I know that one day I will wake up and the world will not look so grey.  I know that one day I will not have this ache in my chest. I know that I will get back on top of this.

Each day I laugh more.  Each day I see more good.  I just question it all.  Its so much easier for me to feel betrayed.  So much easier to not believe.

I will be on top of this. 

It gets better.....

Fail better

"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better."
Samuel Beckett

There are many moments as a mother that you know are so much deeper than they appear.

Logan has been skateboarding for over a year. He has never been the kid to just jump into something unless he is completely sure of himself. Sometimes he is never sure till he does it. That's the hard part.

Today I held my breath.

He said he was ready to drop in on the half pipe. He wanted me to be there. Wanted me sitting on the half pipe. He was not yet ready. He was so scared. He was so overwhelmed. He just started shaking. He didn't want any help. He wanted to accomplish this. He wanted to be brave.
His skate teacher and I sat and talked with him as he tried to go and stopped for over forty-five minutes. He kept saying that he was going to fail. In his mind he was going to die or break something. It was as if everything that was inside of him was flowing out of him in this moment.
We talked a lot.
We talked about what we are afraid of. We talked about everything we have been afraid of and then done. We talked about how a lot if things are new and scary right now. Aaron talked to him about all of the same. He kept talking about how he can't do it. He was too scared to even try. We talked about how you only fail if you never try.

They came to lock up the park. They waited and watched and then he finally took a deep breath and dropped in.

I cried.
I am proud.
He is so brave.

He is not brave for dropping in he is brave for how he lives each day. He is brave for trying again every time he falls. He is brave for putting himself out there over and over again.

We are brave.

another lonely day...

A friend has told me that I am the only one that can go through all of this.
I am always aware of that, of being alone.
I am alone in my head all the time.

My days are about taking care of and protecting my family.  My three little birds.  I put on who I want to be for them regardless of how I feel inside my own skin.  They deserve the best of me, so I give it to them.  I give them every ounce of love and joy.  I have always given them all and that will never stop.  They are such amazingly beautiful people.  I am so blessed that they want to call me mommy.  I give them all of my energy.  My days are filled with love.

My days are filled with logistics.  Everyone needs to be up and ready. Clothes need to be clean. Breakfast has to be made.  Floors have to be cleaned. Animals have to be fed and cleaned up after and let out and loved.  Dishes have to be done.  Lunches have to be made. Everything for camp and work and after school activities have to be arranged.  Gas in the car and clothes on our clean bodies.  These are the details, just some of the everyday details that are running through my mind.

My days are filled with ignoring the hurt.  Their is just so much hurt.  The problem with betrayal is that every memory then becomes tainted with what you now know.  My head is constantly scanning memories for the lies.  Its not hard they are every where.  I have had to let go of so much these last couple of weeks.  Let go of people I have loved for so long.  People who like my kids I had given my all too.  I see the good in people to a fault and combining that with my deep levels of loyalty means that I look over things and move forward from hurts that other people would walk away from.  I viewed love in a less romantic way.  I looked at love as the little things.  Love was in the commitment, in the daily.  I viewed love as the care.  The bringing the family to visit at work because we knew it was a rough time and we wanted to make the day better.  Love was in the staying up till he came home late again from work or doing school work. Staying up so he knew I cared.  Love was in the details of taking care.  I never expected grand gesture just commitment and care.  Every memory, every gesture is now tainted the hurt and knowledge that I now have.  Every day I move forward through the hurt.  I pick up me feet even when they feel like they are covered in concrete an move forward.  I move forward.  The problem with betrayal is the betrayal.

My days are filled with holding my heart open.  I am piecing my self back together.  I am doing my best to not listen to the hurt constantly.  I have had to close off to a lot.  I do not want to close off to the care that is around me.  It is hard to believe much.  I keep reminding myself of the old taoist story about the farmer and his luck. Bad things would happen and then because of the bad something positive would happen.  Everyone would either tell him how lucky he was or how sorry they felt. He just kept calm and watched.  I want to be like him.  I want to be open to any possibility good or bad.  everything is life is about possibility.  We just have to stay open.

I am still so blessed.
I am still very lonely.

I am moving forward ready and willing, nervous and excited to face another lonely day.