another lonely day...

A friend has told me that I am the only one that can go through all of this.
I am always aware of that, of being alone.
I am alone in my head all the time.

My days are about taking care of and protecting my family.  My three little birds.  I put on who I want to be for them regardless of how I feel inside my own skin.  They deserve the best of me, so I give it to them.  I give them every ounce of love and joy.  I have always given them all and that will never stop.  They are such amazingly beautiful people.  I am so blessed that they want to call me mommy.  I give them all of my energy.  My days are filled with love.

My days are filled with logistics.  Everyone needs to be up and ready. Clothes need to be clean. Breakfast has to be made.  Floors have to be cleaned. Animals have to be fed and cleaned up after and let out and loved.  Dishes have to be done.  Lunches have to be made. Everything for camp and work and after school activities have to be arranged.  Gas in the car and clothes on our clean bodies.  These are the details, just some of the everyday details that are running through my mind.

My days are filled with ignoring the hurt.  Their is just so much hurt.  The problem with betrayal is that every memory then becomes tainted with what you now know.  My head is constantly scanning memories for the lies.  Its not hard they are every where.  I have had to let go of so much these last couple of weeks.  Let go of people I have loved for so long.  People who like my kids I had given my all too.  I see the good in people to a fault and combining that with my deep levels of loyalty means that I look over things and move forward from hurts that other people would walk away from.  I viewed love in a less romantic way.  I looked at love as the little things.  Love was in the commitment, in the daily.  I viewed love as the care.  The bringing the family to visit at work because we knew it was a rough time and we wanted to make the day better.  Love was in the staying up till he came home late again from work or doing school work. Staying up so he knew I cared.  Love was in the details of taking care.  I never expected grand gesture just commitment and care.  Every memory, every gesture is now tainted the hurt and knowledge that I now have.  Every day I move forward through the hurt.  I pick up me feet even when they feel like they are covered in concrete an move forward.  I move forward.  The problem with betrayal is the betrayal.

My days are filled with holding my heart open.  I am piecing my self back together.  I am doing my best to not listen to the hurt constantly.  I have had to close off to a lot.  I do not want to close off to the care that is around me.  It is hard to believe much.  I keep reminding myself of the old taoist story about the farmer and his luck. Bad things would happen and then because of the bad something positive would happen.  Everyone would either tell him how lucky he was or how sorry they felt. He just kept calm and watched.  I want to be like him.  I want to be open to any possibility good or bad.  everything is life is about possibility.  We just have to stay open.

I am still so blessed.
I am still very lonely.

I am moving forward ready and willing, nervous and excited to face another lonely day.