my kids...

The phrase my kids never hurt so much or brought so much pride.
I am alone in all of this except for my kids.
They are amazing people that I am proud to simply know.

When I was pregnant with my first born son I would sit around and think about what kind of mother I wanted to be. More importantly I would sit around and think about the core truths I wanted for my son. This was hard I toiled over what I wanted for them.  It all just felt so trite.

Of course I wanted them to be:
Happy, beautiful, brilliant, thrilling, loving, adventurous, caring, joyful, engaging, artistic, creative, alert, ambitious, amused, brave, calm, capable, charming, cheerful, comfortable,confident, courageous, credible, cultured, dashing, dazzling, decisive, delightful, determined, diligent, dynamic, eager, efficient, enchanting, encouraging, endurable, energetic, entertaining, enthusiastic, fabulous, fair, faithful, fearless, frank, friendly, funny, generous, gentle, good, harmonious, helpful, hilarious, honorable, instinctive, kind, knowledgeable, lively, lucky, nice, peaceful, pleasant, plucky, productive, protective, proud, quirky, receptive, reflective, resolute, responsible, romantic, righteous, selective, self assured, sensitive, silly, sincere, skillful, smiling, steadfast, talented, thoughtful, tough, trustworthy, unusual, upbeat, vivacious, warm, wise, witty, wonderful....

Then I realized all of this will be true if I have simply well not so simply,

Intrinsically motivated, ethical, resilient children.

This is all I can ask for with out putting my wants, needs, desires on them.  This is what I hope for. I want my kids to see what is right and bounce back from the wrongs.

This came with such clarity as the answer to what seemed like the hardest question I would ever ask of myself.  I ask myself daily if how I am handling any of life's situations big and small if I am giving my children the tools they need.  If I am doing it right always feeling like I am doing it wrong, until I see them and really see them. When I watch Beckett walk so proud as line leader to art, when Logan and Ava choose each other to work with but are so fiercely independent at the same time.

I am so blessed to be a witness to my children.

I am so proud of them, they are intrinsically motivated, ethical, and for sure resilient children.

Period...

Picking up my daughter at her friends house I looked at her friends big sister in surprise at how she transformed from kid to little woman over the summer. Her mother and I stood there looking at her astounded by her beauty. We chatted as she looked on patiently waiting for her mom. I pulled away staring at my little girl knowing that she gets older and more mature each moment. I get a text from the mom telling me her daughter was waiting to tell her she just started her first period.

Periods are alway the start and the end of something of everything.

Tomorrow I start the first day of my new full time job. The first time that' I am not a full time mom and a part time something else. I am now a full time mom and a full time teacher. I am excited and scared and thrilled and saddened. I will no longer be able to be class mom or at every field trip, but I will always be just down the hall! It's a give and take. I always wanted to teach and I am so grateful for this opportunity.

This is my new beginning. I need to take my lessons and use them to create the life I want for my kids and myself. This is my capital letter after that very harsh period. This is me stepping into my new life in my new career.

I will showy kids how to move forward. I will show them how to learn and grow.

This is going to be an amazing capital letter.

where we are now...

Its been two months now since we were.

It seems like so much time and so little time all wrapped up together.

The fourth of July just passed and we had a brilliant time at the spa.
 We started this last year with good friends.  They have moved now.

We felt their absence more than his.

More than anything we just laughed a lot!

We were surrounded by some of our favorite people.  It was beautiful to watch the older kids wonder around the pool and watch out and include the younger kids.  I watched this gorgeous mass of children work together and move as one and just looked on in awe. We have such an amazing community.
We watched fireworks from the pool and the pool side.
We said "wow!" a lot!!

 We have such an amazing family.

I get scared some nights. I sit in my room alone. This is when all the dirty, ugly, angry, hurtful, sad thoughts dance through my brain.  It is an ugly dance of all my fears.  It's the never ending loneliness. That fear that I am so wrong that no one will ever really love me. It's the constant questioning of everything I must of done wrong, all the ways I failed.  I tried so hard. I tried so hard to build him up, to love him even when it was hard.  To love him enough for both of us.  I wonder what I have done to deserve everything that has happened.  These are my hard thoughts.

I am now a thirty-one year old almost divorcee with three young kids that lives with her parents!

These hard nights always wake up to my Beckett, Ava and Logan and I am covered in my blessings.  I see the gifts of our life. I have the three most beautiful beings I have encountered surrounding me in their light every day.

It is not about what I have done wrong its about everything I have done right!

This who we are now.

We are smiling.

We are laughing.

We are sad.

We are hurt.

We are loving.

We are angry.

We are caring.

We are forgiving.

We are our family.

Ulcers......

I want to trust people.
I want to see the good in people.

It is just so very hard right now.
I have given so much of myself to the wrong people. I have trusted who I am to the wrong people.

I want to tell everything.  I want to say the whole story, the whole truth, but I can't.
I just can't.

I know of certain events in my life that have changed me.  They have reached deep and altered my being.   These are events that change how you see the world.
This is one of those moments.

There are just so many years of memories that I can not escape. I want to believe so badly that their were some truths in the lies.  The lies are all I can see, all I can feel.  I hear something, I see a show and it triggers another memory and then I see the lie in it all.  I always see the lies.

I think I have an ulcer.

I know there had to be some truth, some love. I just cant find it right now.  In my head I can tell myself the truths.  I can tell myself that this was not about how I failed.  Logically I can see that this is not about me not being pretty enough, smart enough, loving enough, caring enough, or just plain good enough.
How do I get my brain to tell my heart?


I just gave all of myself and it wasn't good enough.  I wasn't good enough.

I know it will happen. I know that one day I will wake up and the world will not look so grey.  I know that one day I will not have this ache in my chest. I know that I will get back on top of this.

Each day I laugh more.  Each day I see more good.  I just question it all.  Its so much easier for me to feel betrayed.  So much easier to not believe.

I will be on top of this. 

It gets better.....

Fail better

"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better."
Samuel Beckett

There are many moments as a mother that you know are so much deeper than they appear.

Logan has been skateboarding for over a year. He has never been the kid to just jump into something unless he is completely sure of himself. Sometimes he is never sure till he does it. That's the hard part.

Today I held my breath.

He said he was ready to drop in on the half pipe. He wanted me to be there. Wanted me sitting on the half pipe. He was not yet ready. He was so scared. He was so overwhelmed. He just started shaking. He didn't want any help. He wanted to accomplish this. He wanted to be brave.
His skate teacher and I sat and talked with him as he tried to go and stopped for over forty-five minutes. He kept saying that he was going to fail. In his mind he was going to die or break something. It was as if everything that was inside of him was flowing out of him in this moment.
We talked a lot.
We talked about what we are afraid of. We talked about everything we have been afraid of and then done. We talked about how a lot if things are new and scary right now. Aaron talked to him about all of the same. He kept talking about how he can't do it. He was too scared to even try. We talked about how you only fail if you never try.

They came to lock up the park. They waited and watched and then he finally took a deep breath and dropped in.

I cried.
I am proud.
He is so brave.

He is not brave for dropping in he is brave for how he lives each day. He is brave for trying again every time he falls. He is brave for putting himself out there over and over again.

We are brave.

another lonely day...

A friend has told me that I am the only one that can go through all of this.
I am always aware of that, of being alone.
I am alone in my head all the time.

My days are about taking care of and protecting my family.  My three little birds.  I put on who I want to be for them regardless of how I feel inside my own skin.  They deserve the best of me, so I give it to them.  I give them every ounce of love and joy.  I have always given them all and that will never stop.  They are such amazingly beautiful people.  I am so blessed that they want to call me mommy.  I give them all of my energy.  My days are filled with love.

My days are filled with logistics.  Everyone needs to be up and ready. Clothes need to be clean. Breakfast has to be made.  Floors have to be cleaned. Animals have to be fed and cleaned up after and let out and loved.  Dishes have to be done.  Lunches have to be made. Everything for camp and work and after school activities have to be arranged.  Gas in the car and clothes on our clean bodies.  These are the details, just some of the everyday details that are running through my mind.

My days are filled with ignoring the hurt.  Their is just so much hurt.  The problem with betrayal is that every memory then becomes tainted with what you now know.  My head is constantly scanning memories for the lies.  Its not hard they are every where.  I have had to let go of so much these last couple of weeks.  Let go of people I have loved for so long.  People who like my kids I had given my all too.  I see the good in people to a fault and combining that with my deep levels of loyalty means that I look over things and move forward from hurts that other people would walk away from.  I viewed love in a less romantic way.  I looked at love as the little things.  Love was in the commitment, in the daily.  I viewed love as the care.  The bringing the family to visit at work because we knew it was a rough time and we wanted to make the day better.  Love was in the staying up till he came home late again from work or doing school work. Staying up so he knew I cared.  Love was in the details of taking care.  I never expected grand gesture just commitment and care.  Every memory, every gesture is now tainted the hurt and knowledge that I now have.  Every day I move forward through the hurt.  I pick up me feet even when they feel like they are covered in concrete an move forward.  I move forward.  The problem with betrayal is the betrayal.

My days are filled with holding my heart open.  I am piecing my self back together.  I am doing my best to not listen to the hurt constantly.  I have had to close off to a lot.  I do not want to close off to the care that is around me.  It is hard to believe much.  I keep reminding myself of the old taoist story about the farmer and his luck. Bad things would happen and then because of the bad something positive would happen.  Everyone would either tell him how lucky he was or how sorry they felt. He just kept calm and watched.  I want to be like him.  I want to be open to any possibility good or bad.  everything is life is about possibility.  We just have to stay open.

I am still so blessed.
I am still very lonely.

I am moving forward ready and willing, nervous and excited to face another lonely day.

a knee to the nose

I felt sad today or lonely or both.

We have amazing friends as a family!
We also have amazing friends with amazing pools!
These amazing friends with amazing pools invite my amazing poole's over to their amazing pools!

We were invited to go to a friends pool with the entire family.  First we went to the community pool with a fancy water slide and then we went to their home that has an eight foot waterfall that the kids love to jump off.  It's also salt water so its easy on the skin and eyes.  We all had so much fun.  Logan figured out how to jump off the waterfall into an inner tube.  He was so excited.  Ava just giggled her little heart away with one of her best friends.  Beckett is starting swim lessons this week so he was attached to my hip.  He kept jumping off the little waterfall, the side of the pool or anything else.  He then jumped at me knee first into my nose.  I couldn't talk. I was trying not to cry.  I was trying not to cry all day.

I watched them play and laugh and it made me sad.
I felt lonely that I didn't have someone to share it with.
It then made me sad because I realized that he wouldn't of been there before he left.

I have been lonely for a long time.

Puppies and Panic

We went puppy hugging today.

The Southeastern guide dog association invite the public to come and play with the puppies.  What a better way to bring joy back to the kids.  They all had so much fun.  Ava held every single puppy that came her way.  She was in heaven.  Beckett just kept squealing with joy. Logan was watching and playing.  he loved throwing them the toys and playing tug of war.  They were not crowded so we got lots of time to cuddle and play and hug the puppies. The great thing was that we were doing something good at the same time.  We were helping to socialize the puppies so that they can grow up and help people.  The kids were just amazed.  When we were done puppy hugging we went and let two of the older dogs walk us!  They were so strong. I can let the kids walk our dog Jolene but that was not possible with these dogs.  I kept hearing my shoulder pop. I was honestly worried that i would loose the dog. Of course as soon as we got back they calmed down and let the kids brush them. It just killed me that I was thinking about how much Eric would of loved this day.
Then it hit me...he wouldn't of made the time to do this with us before he left.
We were alone a lot.
I love my mom but I would of preferred that he was with us, not now, but then.

Panic started to set in.
My heart feels like it is on fire in chest.
My head is swimming with uncertainty.

My stomach is always in knots.  I just do not know what the future has to hold for us.  This is both scary and exciting.  I do not know where to start with any of this.  I feel almost frozen but I know I have to move forward. I know I have to just sit down and figure it all out. Its just all so scary.  There are the most important parts of my life at stake, Logan, Ava and Beckett.

These beautiful children that like me did not ask for any of this to happen, These children are why I will not allow anyone else to steal my joy.  I have to teach them that no matter what is going on in life we have to choose how we allow the to affect us.  I might feel gross and ugly right now but I will still move forward and find the joy everyday.
Life is full of puppy hugging and panic, all living together.

forgiveness...

(used with permission from a friend on instagram)

Yesterday I wrote about how surprised I was that people cared about me.

Admitting that feeling triggered a change in me.  I truly woke up and saw.  I saw everything for what it is. I saw every lie I was living with in.  I always told myself it was worth it.  Keeping the family together. Protecting my family. Giving my kids a whole family was worth everything I gave up.

The WE was always more important that me...

I gave so much of my value to someone else for so long I stopped seeing that I had any value.  I couldn't believe that people liked me.  I questioned the motives of anyone that wanted to be my friend.  I would just take whatever any one would give to me and hope that my care, my love could make up for what they wouldn't give to me.

It took me writing that to see that.
 It awoke me to what I had sacrificed in valuing someone else more than my self.

This morning I woke up and decided to take back my joy to embrace this new life.

It is my job to not just show my kids ok, but show them good.

We still need to car dance. We still need to giggle. We still need to smile.
I gave away my joy my passion for life for too long.
We have to choose to live.

It still hurts.  I still cried today.  I still felt like my world was spiraling out of control but I also felt real today, I felt awake today.

I am not ready to forgive.
I do not know where the next year will take us.

I am not worried about forgiving him right now.

 I am working on forgiving myself.

On a field trip with Ava today. 

It might be hard but i get the joy too!

change...

It rained all day.

I felt a change with in my self today.
 I cried a lot this morning.  I have just felt so lonely these past few days.  I don't have someone to talk to on my drives home. I no longer have that person to dissect my day with.  I do not have someone to end my day with. I am just alone.  The difference today is that I accepted that I have been lonely for a long time.  I just had someone but not someone that was connecting with me.
He left me a long time ago.
I have just been fighting for the potential that I saw in us.  I have been fighting to hold onto the dreams that i had for my family, for my kids, for me.  I let those go today. I decided to stop thinking about what we no longer have. I am still sad.  I am still heart broken but I am truly looking forward.

I know this is not going to make it all better.
I know that we will have hard times.
I know that the actual divorce process is going to be horrible.

Maybe it is all the love and support.
I have been so shocked by how much people want to care for us, for me.  I truly have the most amazing people in my life.  I never expected this.  I thought people would be shocked.  The amount of genuine care has just moved me to tears on many occasions.
People actually care about me.

I do have value. I have value as me, for who I am. It is not about me as a mother or teacher but just because people care about me.

We are going to be ok.
I am going to be ok.

I will forgive. We will forgive. We will all move forward.

Ava Davo Doo age 6

"My family, we all have love. Look see the hearts"

Ava's art

Ava slipped this in my pocket today.

This is real...

It is real.

He left and will not be back. 

Ava was sad all day. She just woke up sad. 

So did I.

It really hitting me that the life I had wanted, the life that I imagined as imperfect as it was, is over. I want to focus on the new beginnings.  I put on the fake smile and trudge forward.  I wish I had more answers.  I wish I knew what went so wrong so quickly.  I wish I had answers for my kids, for myself.  

I hate that I miss him.  I don't know if its that I miss him or having a partner.  I just always thought that this would pass.  I always thought that at the core of everything was a deep care and love that we had for each other.  Love is not easy or perfect sometimes it is not what we need or want but we know its still there.  

I just always thought we would end up looking back at these times knowing that they made us stronger,

that they made us better.

He left.

birthday/mothers day...

 Its mothers day. Yesterday was my 31st birthday.

So many people are doing everything that they can to make me feel better, make me feel special.
I am so grateful for everyone.  I just feel like I am disappointing them.  For how much everyone is giving to me all I can feel is the that glaring absence. The lack of touch my body is so accustomed to. The words, the close breath, the feeling of love.  It all feels like a lie now, but I still miss him.

I still miss the life that I thought I had.

I am so proud of my Logan. 

He is so strong and understanding.  I can not believe how grown up he has become.  I wish he didn't have to be so grown up.  he is so caring and insightful.  He sees the world in such a beautiful way.  He is so angry.  He is trying so hard not to be but he has become surly and curt.  He takes it out on my mom and I.  He is so loving and caring.  I am just so beyond proud of who he is turning out to be.  

He keeps saying its going to be ok.

I think he is saying it to make it real for himself and me.

when you feel real shitty, you better look real pretty

I am trying so hard to be the person I want to be.

Its so hard to be that person when your world is falling in on you.  Everyone around me has their own ideas, advice, concerns and hurt.  I feel so overwhelmed with everyone else's emotions.

I wake up.

I move forward.

I take a deep breath and move forward. 

I put my makeup on.

I make myself feel as pretty as I can and hope that I feel better.

I dance in the car and belly laugh with my friends. 

I wrap the scarf Ava made me for mothers day around my hair.

I smile...

"he used to be king, but now i don't know who he is."

Day 3
This has been the hardest day so far.
Reality has hit...hit us all.
I am fried.

Beckett has been in tears all day.  He is crying over everything that doesn't go his way. He has always been my ball of sunshine.  I conceived him after so much loss.  I always said, "out of so much darkness only light can come." He was born with bright eyes and a full head of blonde hair.  While driving home he says to me, "Mommy, I am sad." I ask why and he says, "I just am." He cried. He cried out for me.

Ava is angry and sad.  She knows it and she knows why.  She is full of questions.  She just wants to know why daddy broke up with mommy.  She wants to know if I will ever get married again.  She wants to know if she will ever have two moms. She wants to know if I can make daddy come home. She wants to know why I let him break up with me. She asked daddy. He wouldn't answer her.  She keeps yelling. She tells everyone how mad and sad and angry she is.  She told me, "Daddy, he used to be king of Ava land but now he's not. He used to be king, but I don't know who he is anymore."

"I don't know either", I wanted to say... but didn't.

Logan has decided to grow up.  He is quiet and calm. He is sad. He talks but not much. He talks to his friends, his teachers. He was excited to find out his skateboarding teacher's parents were divorced when he was eight too.  He is reaching out an connecting.  He has changed, he wants to protect us all. He is trying so hard to be brave. It makes my heart ache.

I feel like the wind is knocked out of me and I am trapped inside a panic attack.  I have to start figuring out all the scary logistics of all of this.  I don't know where to begin.  I need to eat but I can't.  I want to, I am hungry at times but every bite i take makes me sick.  I can't stomach anything especially what is happening to my family. It is getting harder to not be angry. I keep just telling the kids that daddy loves them, even when its hard to believe.

Ava lost her first tooth today. The joy still breaks through. Now I need to be the tooth fairy.

ok...

My body feels like I was kicked in the gut.

Everything just feels tight.  My heart is racing.  My knees are weak.
My legs feel like they are trudging through water.  Everything is in slow motion.

I am working so hard to move forward in the positive, to show my kids that we are ok.  I just fall apart when no one is watching.

He broke my heart.
He broke Logan's heart.
He broke Ava's heart.
He broke Beckett's heart.

I want to scream and yell and crawl into a hole.
I dont have the time to give into it.
I keep going.  I keep moving forward.  I keep making it ok.  I keep holding my children tight.  I keep breathing.  I keep knowing that this will get harder before it gets better. Nothing will ever be the same.

I just have to keep showing them that we are ok...

circling the wagons

We all woke up in the reality of our new family.  I am determined to hold onto the joy of our life even in this raw, broken state.

We car dance! Yes we act like fools and dance and sing and laugh and embrace the moment.  We remember to have a good time.  We were dancing to the black keys and I was not paying attentions to lyrics when I hear Ava from the back, "Mommy! They said that their daddy left them! Thats just like us."

We arrived at the school...it's a short ride.

The kids walk into school and Logan wants us to walk him back to his class, till he sees his friends.  I watched him walk way praying that he would be ok.  Ava needed to be walked in, needed someone to do work with her.  I gave her my "I love you! I love you more!" necklace.

I had called their teachers. I had called my close friends. I had called supportive family. I circled the wagons tightly around them.  I did everything I could to make it as safe for them.  I am worried. I want to protect them.  I wish I could of protected them from this ever happening.  I just have to show them now that we are going to be ok.

We all announced today.  We all told what we needed. Ava whispered it in Emma's little ear.  Logan shared at morning circle. He stated it as if he was telling his class he saw a movie.  He announced his plans for how it will be ok.  I posted my blog to my community. We all took our first big step forward.

I am pragmatic. I solve problems. I move forward. I do not accept support easily.

I was not prepared to have the wagons circled by me.  I am shocked by the love and support everyone has showered on me.  It has made the emptiness so full.

Thank you.

Shock

This is what beginnings look like....

bad husbands at 30

I stood at the end of my bed wanting to crawl in, it was not my bed. It is my new bed. This morning I watched my husband pack away his life and his stuff. He got the bed, I got the family.

We told our children tonight. He owned that he was the one wanting this. My 6 year old daughter screamed out the most heart wrenching scream and sobbed, just sobbed. My 8 year old son reached down and held my hand tight and then tighter. My 3 year old baby boy kicked his daddy and said that, "bad daddy", then he laughed and said "I know daddy your joking." He was not. I told them that we both loved them and that daddy was not leaving them...just me.

I now lie in my new bed after loving them till they fell a sleep. It was a devastating day. No words seem able to truly describe the shock we are in. It is as if I am watching a movie in slow motion and I know no one will be the same after these moments pass. I will go to sleep now watching the tan line on my ring finger tap across the keys.